Emotional Roller coaster!

Wow! There is definitely a reason why they say let sleeping dogs lie, because when you awaken them, you cannot be sure of what is waiting for you at the end of their slumber!

For my Facebook friends, I am sure you have been thoroughly entertained by my childhood pictures! Those pictures have memories upon memories layered upon them, that all I can do in retrospect is laugh!

How did I find those pictures, especially the one in which my head looks like it is a square in shape?! Lol.. Ok, so I was looking for an old poem I wrote many years ago in an onward book (C’mon people! Remember the days of ONWARD book!!)  

And as I went through the pages, I came across some package and inside it were pictures from my childhood with my siblings! I was shocked! Lol.. Going through each of them and looking at my face, wondering what was going through my head at that time of my life just made me vulnerable immediately.  Stories and memories from those pictures would compose a new blog post.

Now moving on, talking about letting sleeping dogs lie, is what I do not intend to do in this blog post.

I saw one of my poems from the ‘old days’ and reading it was refreshing and liberating!

Do you want to know what I am talking about? Read below and you can also listen TO ME EMOTIONALIZE IT (<< Click on that link :) for special effects!

ROLLER COASTER

How can I give you what I don’t have? Squeezing my heart vessels for one drop to fall but I see me choking instead. Emotional roller coaster, you have literally taken my breath away.

One day we are in love and the next you are not sure? One second we plan and the next second we are flat.

What do you want from me? My heart on a platter with kisses on my lips?

When would it be enough for you? When I burn my body just because I want you to see my heart beats only for you?

What more can I give to you? I volunteer myself as your slave and every word you say is my lifeline!

Like little children we thought love was enough and was all we needed.

I felt my tummy rumble when you pass me and your scent in every fibre of cloth I wore.

My pleasure was kindled when you smiled and the twinkle in your eyes took me to the stars.

Like little children we embarked on a journey we didn’t care for the destination, as long we held hands together and our attestation was loud in our silence.

One step at a time, we took baby steps as little children,

One leap at a time, you threw me forward as I got the rope to bring you closer,

And I never stopped to think how come you could take me this far emotionally, but you are far behind.

Like little children we kissed our bellies asking, did you feel that butterfly? And we lied to ourselves as we both smiled yes.

You noticed my hands were coarse and I noticed you had four fingers. All of a sudden it mattered to our destination, in fact you started having revelation that my coarse hands would slip away from yours but we still held hands in our differences. Or did we?

We stopped looking at each other but our hands had not changed, our eyes had.

 I saw you text her favorite pet name with your other free hand and you saw me serve you with your least favorite cup with my other free hand. We stared at each other for a second and then we looked away.

We still held hands and moved forward, our eyes had not changed. Out feet had.

I was moving too fast for you, you were moving at your pace. You said you could not catch up with me, I questioned if you still wanted to move? We stared at each other and we looked away.

We moved forward and we realized our feet had not changed, It was our heart.

Speaking the same language, love without compromise but emanating love with no sacrifice.

No one is perfect we tell ourselves yet we measure ourselves against the illusion and the difference became the topic of our dissertation.

It finally looked like we had gotten to the proposed destination and as we stood on the carpet, you bent down and dragged it from under my feet and I landed on my bum. With your eyes, I could see me through them; I could see me hoping you would stretch out your hands, but instead you asked me ‘why are you on the floor?’ I don’t think we can do this anymore. I know what I want but you don’t. I don’t think we are ready for this.

I admired the ground as you said those words because as a little child I believed you then and I believe you now. I made a decision on the floor to make an incision called love into my heart and when I do, no one can deny its existence in me; and as I looked up at you one more time, you put forward your hand to bring me up but I just stared and stayed in my thoughts.

I’m in a canoe in the midst of emotional turbulence but I chose to crash and not return. I choose to crash so that I can start with the pieces and build a ship instead. I choose the floor because it is the lowest point with the highest view. I deny your outstretched hands because I don’t know if it is my imagination or my death wish. My imaginations have become flawed; I gave you so much power that my reality and imagination have become one and the same. 

I choose the floor because in its cold state, it told me my fate with no prejudice. 

I choose the floor because it won’t cave in from my insecurities and imperfections. 

I choose the floor because I deserve more than an outstretched hand, but outstretched arms from one who is Love himself.

I choose the floor because it makes no promise of a roller coaster just a promise of a fresh start for a better beginning.