Has your husband changed yet?

I have had this in my mind for a minute and something triggered it out of my mind into a blog post.

There is a sort of ‘Aunties’ (female figure) that pop up in the life of soon-to-be or newly wedded couples especially the bride. You might have already encountered them or you just might be in that category consciously or unconsciously.

Now how do you identify these aunties?

The Aunty who congratulates you on your engagement or marriage and wait for it…. Wait for it… and drop the punch line… Enjoy him now because he is going to change!

Change to what exactly? Change from what to what? Change from who to what? I’m sorry, enlighten me aunty, there is a time limit to enjoying my spouse? How many years is it? Can I maybe postpone enjoyment now, so I can trade it for other years down the line? In fact wait a minute, what is your definition of enjoyment? So back to my questions aunty, how old were you when you stopped enjoying your spouse? how many years into your marriage, did you stop enjoying? So what have you been up to since there has been no enjoyment? What do you do to occupy time then?.......*exhales*

I have heard this line (Enjoy him now because he is going to change) from ‘aunties’ and the rate at which this ‘destructive advice’ is being ditched out voluntarily, I am truly baffled. It gets comical when they add a prayer at the end of this statment... something like this ..'Congratulations on your marriage, i am sure you are enjoying yourself eh?  Already adding weight eh? Oga is doing well o! Enjoy your spouse now because he is going to change ooo...God is your strength in Jesus name Amen.

With that counsel from aunties, the newly wed wife ignores the truth that it is normal for two imperfect people to disagree because with that advice she is not seeing the disagreeing to agree part of the equation in marriage but the disagreeing because 'he does not respect me anymore', 'he married me so he feels he can let his guard down and treat me any how' …. the list is endless on the kind of seeds that are out there, given freely by friends, family, books, TV shows, etc

As a man thinketh in his/her heart so is he/she, why then would I consciously choose an 'expect the worst kind of change' over a 'hope for the best kind of change'?

I am not ignorant to the truth that marriage changes people.  Marriage is one institution that those enrolled in it would always be students of it. We have daily tests, we fail sometimes, we pass sometimes and sometimes we walk out of the class but we cannot walk out of the school. 

So if marriage changes people, why is their advice a sour grape to chew upon? Because the well from which it was drawn from is a well of negativity and not positive. 

Do these aunties mean well? Yes they do. Is this statement adding wellness to a new home? No it is not! Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

Why do I think they mean well? The desire to look out for their ‘sister, friend, relative, etc’ and give them heads up is a ‘natural’ (I should hope so) instinct. They have walked the path and have years of hands-on experience, so of course, they know about these things, they have discussed these things with their friends and it is all the same everywhere… men change! Husbands change! They do not remain the same as you first met them when you started dating. When the kids come, they are less helpful, they get irritable and the list goes on….So I should assume wives have kept the same disposition from the dating stage and we always remain pleasant and in place?

Counselling a newlywed bride that her husband would change after few years of marriage or the most famous one, after the kids come, how is it adding grace to the one hearing it? It is sowing a heap load of fear, suspicions, and room for deadly assumptions that would pop up in all its glory at every situation when things do not go as planned in a home.

Now on the ‘things not going as planned’ …In the words of my spouse ‘You have to be flexible in a marriage. Staying rigid deprives the home of joy, laughter and forgiveness. You have to be vulnerable enough to make mistakes and also loving enough to forgive the mistakes of your spouse’.. so things not going as planned in a home, is expected, if you are still doubting this, take a look at your life, how many things have gone as you planned?

Now, these are not divorced aunties or aunties who are yet to get a ring on it…not at all. These are women who have been married for years with children and a vibrant home; so why is experience not a factor in the manner at which this advice is ditched out? ( Newlyweds or Bride-to-be, be ready to listen to advice without asking for it…it comes with the territory. It is up to you to decide what seed to collect and that to bury at the feet of Jesus).

From the surface, their marriage looks healthy, healthy not because it has never been sick, but healthy because it has overcome dis-ease and is still moving forward; but as soon as they give this advice, you begin to wonder, is it all an act?

No it is not.

Food for thought: Do husbands to be, get this counsel from their 'uncles'? I want to bet No and again i wonder why? How come the aunties give this advice but the uncles do not? The difference in our gender, I guess and please comment  if you have a better reason why 'Uncles' do not tell husbands to be, 'your wife would change, enjoy her now.

I would expect that experience from our aunties could be infused into how they actually relate this counsel, such as:  ‘ Be ready to forgive, adapt and love unconditionally’ OR ‘With the years, comes great responsibilities, so be ready to expand your abilities because you are capable of it and be a support to your spouse because two are better than one and they will get a great reward for their labour’ OR Marriage is ordained by God and He should always be the  foundation in your home, so if something seems out of place in your home, call God up! OR The way you are right now, is not the way you would be in 5 years or 10 years time but no matter who/what you are changing to, take stock and work towards 'better' and not 'worse' and remember as well that the same goes for your spouse too.

Advice that adds life and not subtract; that multiplies and not divide.

Aunties, we appreciate you. We truly do, We also know you have walked down the road, most of us are just about to embark on, and your words of advice is valuable and because we look up to you, please bring us up and not down.

Selah