NEVER ALONE

Its’ petals were dying,

Other flowers could see it,

Some flowers were smiling,

For they could not wait to occupy its space.

The stalk could not stand anymore,

It was no longer fruitful.

It had been deprived of its sun,

It had been deprived of a lot of things.

Once green, now brown,

Once straight now bent,

Once surrounded with friends, now standing alone,

Until she came along.

She flew around looking for shelter,

She flew around looking for food,

She flew around and she saw it,

She flew away, but she flew back to it.

Tears rolling down her eyes,

For she saw life leaving it.

She flew away because she could not bear it,

She flew back because she could help it.

She saw the cause of all this sadness.

An enormous tree, spreading its branches,

Its branches spread all over the space, covering the sun,

inhibiting everything this poor fellow needed to smile again.

And as the sun rose that morning,

She flew to a branch and made way for the sun to pass through.

In her sweat, she inhaled and pushed the branches away.

He felt it, he felt hope

Something was happening,

Life was happening.

Strength was coming upon him,

He was standing, he was trying,

Then it was gone.

Looking around, he saw nothing,

For a minute, there was hope,

In another, there was darkness.

The bird flew away because the sun was gone,

But she had another plan.

Looking at himself, he was no more.

Petals drop daily and timely,

Sleep eluded him for everyday is dark.

People take the piss at him,

Even the ants dump their food at his root.

Then he saw all of them,

In that darkness, he heard all of them.

Flock of birds, all perching on a branch,

The sunray coming through over their head,

Hitting him like electricity,

Jolting him straight up,

so much better than photosynthesis.

The fear of death all swept away,

The tears of fear all wiped away,

The garment of death all torn away,

The smile of hope is worn again.

Every morning before the sunrise, they perch,

Giving way for the sun to rise on me,

Giving way for me to stand again,

Giving way for me to live again.

Once brown, now green,

Once dying, now alive,

Once broken, now whole,

Once alone,now surrounded.

And I sang off-key!

Let me tell you a story:

Failure 1:

In my University days, I was in the choir, but was always on back-up. I admired those that led Praise and Worship during services and for some reasons, I believed I could do same. So, I took myself to my then Choir leader and told him I wanted to lead... His response ‘you cannot lead, but you are good at back up’.

I was de-motivated and in fact started to actually believe I could not lead.  I usually lead Praise and Worship here and there, maybe when having a devotion with myself, myself and yea, some of my classmates and friends.

I mentioned earlier I started to believe I could not lead right? I finalised this belief in few years’ time.

Fast forward 4-5 years’ time (New location and new church):

Failure 2:

In the month of February, all Church workers went on a break and allowed regular church members to run the whole service units (about 64 of them). I always had my eyes out for the Choir because they are phenomenal, so I decided to apply yet again to be a FEB volunteer member of the choir and yes! My name was called.

My first shot was when we all sang in the microphone so that the Choir leaders can familiarise vocally  with us.  After this, we started rehearsing, and they started giving the microphone to selective people, and I think I saw the microphone coming to my direction. I looked away and looked back, and she was giving me the microphone!! I have never shaken so much in my life, and am sure you can guess the level of vibration in my voice too.

I was given a shot and I vibrated it out.

My second shot -The Choir leaders are so nice they opened the floor to anyone who felt they could lead to come out during rehearsals to take a shot, and the bold ones did come out, and the shy ones usually get pointed out by the leaders to come out and take a shot. Yet again, I was called out, and yet again, it was a mess.

I poured out my mess experience onto my partner and told him, I think I am destined for back up and he said 'it is OK. We are all learning'.

NB: I was always on back up during the whole period of volunteering.

Fast forward 4 months’ time:

I changed my Church because I was led to and to ensure that I laid a solid foundation in the church and not run away to my previous church, guess what I did next?! I decided to join the choir.

Now, the choir in my new church is not as big as the others, it is a whole new territory for me and also, the kind of songs they sang were the ones I felt I was not destined to lead but back up.  Why? Because it is similar to the songs we sang during my University days and by now, I am matured enough to draw the line between fantasy and reality and my line was drawn.

I joined because I wanted to serve, be a part of the Church family and grow spiritually. So when, my Choir mistress in less than two weeks of joining sent me a text that I would be leading  Praise and Worship during Wednesday service, I almost passed out.

I called my partner and told him and he was shocked as me..LOL..I sent the songs to my Choir mistress for her to assess, she did not get back to me. I went early to service and during pre-service rehearsal no one commented on the songs and I was sent out into the battle field to lead God’s people into His presence. Summary: It was amazingly blessed and I got feedback from Church members! Feedback!! I never knew you get feedback from doing Praise and Worship.

Failure 3:

After my first debut, I got to lead Sunday ministration and also it was great! My confidence was rocketing as I got feedback again (Feedback! WOW); another time, I was told impromptu to lead Praise and Worship as someone pulled out and that went well also; Then my singing journey started having bumps.

On a particular Wednesday service, during pre-service rehearsal, I was told the songs had different beats and I was told various songs to add by different people and finally a list of songs were created.

When I went out that day, I truly have no idea what happened, either I was not ready, or scared of the songs given to me, or just, I have no idea. Summary: I sang all the songs in all the keys known to man-kind and maybe some nice animals too. I went from A-Z and took God’s children on a lyrical journey of keys. ROCK BOTTOM or so I thought.

My partner asked me how I did and told him bad, and He says ’It is not up to you to say. Let God be the judge of that’. This answer might be the only reason why I didn’t beat myself up with a physical cane.

I knew it was bad and people knew too. We didn’t need to look for an excuse but I think I knew what it was. Prepare well before hand and make sure guitarist starts playing before you sing and not when you have already started.

Failure 4:

After the earlier key-disaster, I was to lead Praise during offering and as I started singing, the guitarist kept changing the key (rather I was, so he had to) and finally we settled on one (in the middle of Praise) and I sang my heart out and I think people danced a lot, they forgot about the earlier disaster (or so I thought).

They gave me feedback that when I ad leap, there is a tendency for me to forget my earlier key and also a higher tendency for backups to change their key if they are to come in before I end my runs. (I did not even know I did runs! *sigh*)

Anyway I learnt my lesson, and gave myself a rub on the head that it is not as worse as the last.

Failure 5:

I am already very hard on myself, so you can imagine what my thoughts were when I knew I was leading Praise during offering again! In fact, I said, this better be the rising of the unicorn! Some songs were changed during rehearsals, took me by surprise but I was like Holy Spirit please HELP ME! I got the microphone and I started singing. The key was uncomfortable and whenever I opened my mouth to sing the next song, even after singing it in my head prior, it did not feel right, but the guitarist never changed the key on his strings, meaning! I am still on-key (MIRACLES!!)

I had gone through all my songs and the Pastor was not coming on stage. There was this uncomfortable shout from me of ‘everyone put your hands together’ to buy some time and think on a song, and my brain was not thinking.

Guess what I did?!

I sang the only song that came to my head, it was not off key but it was off beat! (HALF-MIRACLE!!)

So off- beat, I just started laughing as I sang it.

As I got to my seat, and someone patted me in my back and said, ‘well done!’  The first thing that came through my mouth was, ‘yea! Until the last one, right?!’ and I immediately remembered what my partner said to me ‘it is not for you to judge but God’ and I smiled.

Why this very long story?

Show me a man/woman that has not failed and you are looking at the face of a man/woman that has not made an attempt.

Do I like failing? Absolutely not! The amount of pain I feel when such happens isn't always from the fall but from myself and the pain is usually very high. Too high.

But Failing exposes me to me and shows me where I should learn, improve and shows me that they once said I could not do it and now I have done it. Even if it is a fail for now, at least I tried.

Can I promise not to go off-key? Trust me dear, I can’t; but I can say that I sing more in the shower, disturb my house mates with songs, Listen more attentively to those who I like the way they sing and I also do Praise and Worship collabo with my Partner!

Keep at it. No one was born knowing it all!

Feel free to tell me about your experiences!

x