As you consider becoming one….! Part 2

Relationships are the corner stone of our everyday existence.  ‘It is not good for man to be alone’- is one statement that encapsulates it all. I think it is ironic that the introverts silently wish to be more sociable and the extroverts sometimes wish they can just put a cap to it. Like someone said, ‘the single look at the couple and wish to be married and the married look at the single and wish to be single’. Irony of life- wanting what others have while someone somewhere is praying for what we neglect.  Quoting the words of the Almighty, who said ‘and from the beginning it was not so!’

Today I am going to be writing on the topic of Trust.

This is a really subjective topic because of how versatile our background is. One of the definition of trust that I easily remember is ‘Trust is hard to build but very easy to destroy’.  I cannot categorically tell you to what degree you should let people in because personally I know with the upbringing most of us have had, when we meet someone for the first time they are bad until proven good or enemy until proven friend and this is deeply ingrained into our everyday relations with people. Trust is something we don’t take lightly because unconsciously it is an  heavy decision to have faith in another person apart from ourselves.

 I want to focus more on Spouse-Trust.

Let’s start by asking ourselves these questions:

Do I trust my spouse to be truthful?
Do I trust my spouse to be faithful?
Do I trust my spouse to be honest?
Do I trust my spouse to put my best interest first?
Do I trust my spouse to be selfless?
Do I trust my spouse to be a hands-on husband/wife?
Do I trust my spouse to be understanding?
Do I trust my spouse to be lovely/joyful/peaceful/patient/kind/good/faithful/have self-control?

Do you think these are too much to ask for? Right now some wives don’t even care about all these anymore and just want their husbands to acknowledge their existence and some husbands simply want their wives to be more patient. So yes, for some it might be too much questions and for some, a man who isn’t all of the above isn’t fit to be mentioned.

We do not consciously dissect the trust we have for our partners before we say I DO. Whilst dating (depending on your dating journal), you probably were the highlight of his/her world, every other living being and animal was secondary; all things you wanted was yours and you knew his/her every location, position and maybe passwords. There was not a reason to mis-trust, for some, maybe there was mis-trust and trust was rebuilt. My point exactly is, the trust you had prior to I DO, is not the same level of trust you need after I DO.

This is a good thing because it means you are in a relationship that is actually growing. The level of trust is not the same because things have changed. Values still remain the same but priorities and commitments have changed, emotions have matured and life just got real. The dice is been rolled every second and you just have to trust he/she is going to make the best decision for both of you. Work is going to get hectic and you just have to trust that he/she is not thinking of a 4^th party but of the excel sheet pending at work. Friends and relatives might not get the message but you just have to trust when he/she picks the call it is not to answer someone whose name sounds like candy or randy.  He/She might have genuinely had a late meeting and ended up been in the late traffic and that is why they he/she came back late. He/She would be overwhelmed more than once and you might feel neglected. There would be reasons to doubt your trust and it is all up to you to either believe in who you married or to listen to all the wrong voices telling you otherwise.

Why?

You cannot handle all the investigations, dissecting, analysis, manipulation, paranoia, bad thoughts, fear, snooping around and genuinely think you would have a tiny space for anything remotely good, lovely, perfect, honest, of a good report to actually take root! There is no SPACE! Everything rises and falls from the mind and since your mind is much occupied with why, where and fear, how can light shine through from inside to outside?

I hear excuses like, I really love you that is why I am paranoid about every little thing. Yes, I agree that might be a reason, but when will you have the time to love your spouse, if the only emotion you emit is fear? (There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, 1 John 4:18)

Someone said, people think marriage is a filled box when actually it is an empty box that is to be filled with what God has deposited inside of us’.. so imagine if the first thing we deposit is fear and we promise ourselves we are going to stop this and just trust and then we add suspicion to the mix and then fear. What people do not understand is that fear is addictive! It releases adrenalin and then you find it difficult to stop that self-harming habit. 

That one person who is supposed to be the bone of our bones and the flesh of our flesh, the one person who is supposed to be ‘me’ is the one person i do not trust, which in other words says i do not trust myself.

Personally, I believe that a marriage without trust is simply an empty hole filled with fear. Fear- because everything your spouse says is listened in doubt, every cloth/dress your spouse wears to work is scrutinised in fear, every beep on their mobile device makes your heart beat faster than necessary and every call taken without you present leads you to create a whole movie in your mind.

So please tell me, how can one live a normal, peaceful life in all this situation? How do you genuinely care for someone without feeling they are cheating on you? How do you concentrate in building your home if you think you are about to lose it for some reason or the other?

Trust. Without trust a home is built on sand and it does not take the external whirlwind to pull it down, just the internal wind. Do not let the enemy steal your home from you even before you start it.

The blind side of trust is some actually glorify in the fact they are human and make statements such as this to their spouses 'I trust you more than I trust myself’ in other words ‘Boo, put your trust in God because I have pre-mediated sin and I am going to disappoint you even if I say I won’t, because I am human!!’.

One statement to such spouses is’ what shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? Can I also fall into sin because I know we are stuck for life?

Don’t be selfish! Don’t dig your own hole waiting for the day you would fall into it, because YOU WILL!  We ought to strive unto perfection (Hebrews 6 vs 1), so what wisdom exactly is it to strive towards all things that stand against building a godly home, your home?

How?

Transparency. It is as simple as you want it to be. Couples have to realize they are not in the same stage as they started off and as they move from one level to another, they are not alone. Take your spouse along with you every length of the way, each step, each movement, each decision to the level where there's no shame in nakedness. You are not alone but you can choose to be lonely. 

Trust is another way of showing love, for it means, I love you enough to let you see into me and vice versa.

X

If Paper can summarise your life, then you are not living.

The above statement is the sad realisation that came upon me today. There is this phase that I usually go through, I do not know when to expect it, but when it comes, I am literally shaking my leg, looking around, pacing with purpose but with no clear destination. I sit down and begin to analyse my goals, the new ones and the ones that are in the reproduction stage.

Few seconds later, I look at myself and say I can be better, I am the best! But am I in the best situation possible? I am excited for my future because I know it is a world changing future, and at the same time I am groaning harder, Lord use me! I am tired of being just there, I need to change my world and when I start this mind trekking exercise, it becomes a conflict of what can I do versus what can I do better with what I have now.

My next step is to get a piece of paper to unleash my life in words. I start writing on what am I doing now and what I intend to do. I begin to write on my projects, what I need to do, what I should begin and then it hit me like vavavoom! If I can write and summarise my plans for my life on a piece of paper, then my life aint all that great then!

If God said, eyes have not seen, ears have not heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him (1 Cor 2 vs. 9); in other words, tree turned paper should not be able to summarise my life mission and vision. When God sent me out to the world, His intention was not for the world to understand His plans for and through me, because if they do, what is the point? If I can understand His point by point plan for my future, then I can as well skip some parts and live the rest!

One reason why His ways cannot be my way is very obvious. I am using my mental mind to draw out a mental picture of my mental future. While He said ‘For men to search their own glory, is not glory (Proverbs 25 vs. 27).

As I poured out my dilemma to a great friend of mine, He gave me the perfect response. He said ‘Why do you want to be God/Jesus? It is their responsibility to orchestrate your future!  We don’t belong to ourselves. We belong to them so we are their responsibility. The Holy Spirit is gentle, if not He would have given you a knock on your head!

I smiled because it was all true. My responsibility is what is before me. My life is not mine. I did not breath the breathe of life into me, so why am I trying to plan where the next source of air would come from?

The last time I read the Bible, there was no mention that God/Jesus/Holy Spirit are working with me on a contract basis! It is Permanent! Before I was formed, they knew me. Before I was born my Heavenly Father, set me apart!

Do not be discouraged. Every step you take is ordered and nothing is by any means a coincidence.

Wait on the Lord, and keep His way, and He shall exalt you to inherit the land;" Psalm 37:34

How much do you love your tears?

Romans 8 vs. 26 - In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

After a talk with a friend she asked me a question’ how sure of you that your prayers are not biased?’ ‘I thought and said in my mind, Even if they were, the Holy Spirit would change the words and pass the right message on my behalf! And she continued ‘If you prayers are biased, you would only see the answers you want to see and understand just what makes you feel better’ and I paused.

James 4 vs. 3 – And even when you ask, you don't get it because your motives are all wrong--you want only what will give you pleasure.

When we are in such a tight situation, the next logical thing to do is to pray for strength. What of the prayers of strength you rendered before that situation arose? Have we thought about just maybe we are in that situation because God wants to tear us apart in it, to fix us ‘tougher’?

We pray for the spirit of patience in the morning and in the afternoon we are caught in the chaos of a mobile network customer service marathon.

We pray for the spirit of honesty in the afternoon and in the evening we realise the man sitting next to us forgot his wallet by our side.

We pray for the spirit of Faith in the evening, and in the morning you see all your life flash before your eyes from ground zero to level nothing.

We pray for the spirit of trust in the morning and before 11am you have shed some heart squeezing tears because you are losing your mind.

We do not understand why we would pray for positives and be thrown yet again in the middle of negatives, to do what? Drown in them or push through them?

Proverbs 27 vs. 17 - As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Stones cannot sharpen an iron neither can pleasure enhance the pressure capacity of a man. Isn’t it funny how poverty can awaken the hard work senses of a man and want him to think outside the box and then the wealth comes. What does he do next? Relax or work harder?

God created us and is fully aware on how to deal with us to get the best out of us. He said He would not put us in a situation that we cannot handle, because He knows we need to be put in situations and circumstances tight enough to loosen all the bolts in our lives yet tight enough to tighten our foundation in Him. Situations loose enough to balance us on our feet yet loose enough to shake off every anti- Him in us.

What am I really saying? Do not be quick to wipe those tears, in fact let them flow, and when they are flowing in pain, open your lips and say ‘Lord give me more strength, Lord give me more Patience, Lord give me more trust, Lord give me more Faith, Lord Help me’. He will in His own way, not our way.

Like I enjoy saying- It is only the fruitful trees, the naughty boys like to throw stones at to get to the fruitful fruits. The naughty boys, the challenges, the stones, the confusion, is all because You are Strong enough.