I have had this in my mind
for a minute and something triggered it out of my mind into a blog post.
There is a sort of
‘Aunties’ (female figure) that pop up in the life of soon-to-be or newly wedded
couples especially the bride. You might have already encountered them or you
just might be in that category consciously or unconsciously.
Now how do you identify
these aunties?
The Aunty who congratulates
you on your engagement or marriage and wait for it…. Wait for it… and drop the
punch line… Enjoy him now because he is going to change!
Change to what exactly?
Change from what to what? Change from who to what? I’m sorry, enlighten me
aunty, there is a time limit to enjoying my spouse? How many years is it? Can I
maybe postpone enjoyment now, so I can trade it for other years down the line?
In fact wait a minute, what is your definition of enjoyment? So back to my
questions aunty, how old were you when you stopped enjoying your spouse? how
many years into your marriage, did you stop enjoying? So what have you been up
to since there has been no enjoyment? What do you do to occupy time
then?.......*exhales*
I have heard this line (Enjoy
him now because he is going to change) from ‘aunties’ and the rate at
which this ‘destructive advice’ is being ditched out voluntarily, I am truly
baffled. It gets comical when they add a prayer at the end of this statment...
something like this ..'Congratulations on your marriage, i am sure you
are enjoying yourself eh? Already adding weight eh? Oga is doing well o!
Enjoy your spouse now because he is going to change ooo...God is your strength
in Jesus name Amen.
With that counsel from
aunties, the newly wed wife ignores the truth that it is normal for two
imperfect people to disagree because with that advice she is not seeing the
disagreeing to agree part of the equation in marriage but the disagreeing
because 'he does not respect me anymore', 'he married me so he feels he can let
his guard down and treat me any how' …. the list is endless on the kind of
seeds that are out there, given freely by friends, family, books, TV shows, etc
As a man thinketh in
his/her heart so is he/she, why then would I consciously choose an 'expect the
worst kind of change' over a 'hope for the best kind of change'?
I am not ignorant to the truth
that marriage changes people. Marriage is one institution that those
enrolled in it would always be students of it. We have daily tests, we fail
sometimes, we pass sometimes and sometimes we walk out of the class but we
cannot walk out of the school.
So if marriage changes
people, why is their advice a sour grape to chew upon? Because the well from
which it was drawn from is a well of negativity and not positive.
Do these aunties mean well?
Yes they do. Is this statement adding wellness to a new home? No it is not! Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupt
communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of
edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Why do I think they mean
well? The desire to look out for their ‘sister, friend, relative, etc’ and give
them heads up is a ‘natural’ (I should hope so) instinct. They have walked the
path and have years of hands-on experience, so of course, they know about these
things, they have discussed these things with their friends and it is all the
same everywhere… men change! Husbands change! They do not remain the same as
you first met them when you started dating. When the kids come, they are less
helpful, they get irritable and the list goes on….So I should assume wives have
kept the same disposition from the dating stage and we always remain pleasant
and in place?
Counselling a newlywed
bride that her husband would change after few years of marriage or the most famous
one, after the kids come, how is it adding grace to the one hearing it? It is
sowing a heap load of fear, suspicions, and room for deadly assumptions that
would pop up in all its glory at every situation when things do not go as
planned in a home.
Now on the ‘things not
going as planned’ …In the words of my spouse ‘You have to be flexible in a
marriage. Staying rigid deprives the home of joy, laughter and forgiveness. You
have to be vulnerable enough to make mistakes and also loving enough to forgive
the mistakes of your spouse’.. so things not going as planned in a home, is
expected, if you are still doubting this, take a look at your life, how many
things have gone as you planned?
Now, these are not divorced
aunties or aunties who are yet to get a ring on it…not at all. These are women
who have been married for years with children and a vibrant home; so why is
experience not a factor in the manner at which this advice is ditched out? (
Newlyweds or Bride-to-be, be ready to listen to advice without asking for it…it
comes with the territory. It is up to you to decide what seed to collect and
that to bury at the feet of Jesus).
From the surface, their
marriage looks healthy, healthy not because it has never been sick, but healthy
because it has overcome dis-ease and is still moving forward; but as soon as
they give this advice, you begin to wonder, is it all an act?
No it is not.
Food for thought: Do husbands to be, get this counsel from their 'uncles'? I want to bet No and again i wonder why? How come the aunties give this advice but the uncles do not? The difference in our gender, I guess and please comment if you have a better reason why 'Uncles' do not tell husbands to be, 'your wife would change, enjoy her now.
Food for thought: Do husbands to be, get this counsel from their 'uncles'? I want to bet No and again i wonder why? How come the aunties give this advice but the uncles do not? The difference in our gender, I guess and please comment if you have a better reason why 'Uncles' do not tell husbands to be, 'your wife would change, enjoy her now.
I would expect that
experience from our aunties could be infused into how they actually relate this
counsel, such as: ‘ Be ready to forgive, adapt and love unconditionally’
OR ‘With the years, comes great responsibilities, so be ready to expand your
abilities because you are capable of it and be a support to your spouse because
two are better than one and they will get a great reward for their
labour’ OR Marriage is ordained by God and He should always be the foundation in your home, so if something seems out of place in your home, call God up! OR The way you are right now, is not the way you would be in 5 years or 10 years time but no matter who/what you are changing to, take stock and work towards 'better' and not 'worse' and remember as well that the same goes for your spouse too.
Advice that adds life and
not subtract; that multiplies and not divide.
Aunties, we appreciate you.
We truly do, We also know you have walked down the road, most of us are just
about to embark on, and your words of advice is valuable and because we look up
to you, please bring us up and not down.
Selah
